well, well....i'm back. much sooner than i thought. it's 1:13 a.m. and i just got home from one of the most unproductive days of the semester. i went to class, then to work, and then to one more class....and then i conducted a few interviews for my final project for sports journalism. i'm writing a feature on the red sox team store (formerly known as "the souvenir store"), and i had to start working on it (it's due wednesday at noon). anywho, i gathered a few interviews and worked for a bit before hanging out with steve. we ate dinner with simon at warren (nothing really special....the quality of food at school is on a steep decline), and after dinner steve and i returned to his place to hang out with phil and mackenzie. we played phil's movie board game (which took a while....and wasn't very fun), and then we goofed around on the internet looking at seedings for regionals next weekend. jasper came over around 9 or so (i'm really not sure), and then we started playing poker.
at first, i wasn't going to play because i'm just a rookie, and i really don't know the game that well (which proved to be true again during my last hand of the evening), but steve bought me in for $3 (i didn't have my wallet with me, but not to worry, i found it safe and sound under the pile of clothes on my bed....hooray). i played with the big kids for a good three hours until my ignorance of poker got the best of me. i had $.95 left when we started baseball. for those of you who know baseball, good for you; for those of you who don't, don't worry, you're not missing much. i recommend learning the basic rules of poker and the really simple games before getting yourself into something much more complicated....trust me, i'm looking out for you because no one else will. anywho, i stay in because everyone's checking, and then i get dealt a 3. i pay my $.25 to keep the 3 alive (it's wild), and the next round of dealing, i get another 3. mind you, i had an ace and a queen and a 10 of diamonds to keep me in the game (i was thinking three of a kind....and if you don't know any better, don't worry. again, you're not missing much. for those of you who know what i had, just laugh at me for trying to play with the big kids). after those two rounds, i have $.50 on the table and $.35 left (i think i called the nickel bets that were going around the table at the time). anywho, i go all in thinking that my three aces will beat something (crossing my fingers). and that's when my ignorance got the best of me. i show my hand and say three aces, when in actuality, i had a royal flush. yes, again, i screwed myself over because i don't know what to look for or how to effectively play poker. so, i lose to steve, who has a full house on my missed call. i played poker blind for three hours tonight, with no help what-so-ever, and i can't even get a courtesy call for being a rookie. i'm pissed because i failed to recognize my once-in-a-lifetime hand (next to my ace-high flush that i miscalled during the poker tournament earlier this month), and that i didn't have any help. i had no idea which hands were better than others, and i don't know what to look for when i'm playing something other than five-card stud or draw, or seven-card stud. when wilds and such get involved, i'm screwed. and now i know that i should never play with the big kids again until i know what's going on.
biggest thing that made me mad was the fact that i shouldn't have played in the first place. i was playing with veterans, and even though steve bought me in, i shouldn't have played. i'm not good enough to play with them, and i will never be because i don't think poker is something i need to know to survive. second biggest thing that made me mad was the fact that steve knew that i was a rookie at poker, and pushing me to play with them was not the smartest thing he's done. then again, i shouldn't have agreed to play. in the end, everything that happened to me tonight was my fault because i took the risk and lost big. remind me never to take risks again, okay? i thought that it would make me a stronger person, but i failed to realize that without the knowledge about the risk, it's nearly the same as walking into a dark room filled with bats.
i've taken many risks while being in boston, and i think in the three years i've been here, there has been one person who's looked out for me. out of all the people i've met, and the friendships i've made, there is one person who's helped me find my way. thanks michael. i really appreciate it. i've looked out for so many people since i've been here, and i feel that i've made a positive contribution to their lives. they didn't have to endure the negative consequences of their actions because i warned them. i don't consider it being over-protective, i just think it makes it easier for people to go on with their lives with one less downfall, and if i can be the one to help, then so be it. that's what i enjoy. making sure other people are happy and safe as they make their ways through life. i know i can't protect everyone, but i can do my best to make sure my closest friends don't suffer any unnecessary grief.
i just wish there were a few more people who would look out for me when i'm treading on new ground. i know that it's my journey, but if i had my choice, i would like a few friends along the way to help me find my way. that's why humans are social, right? if we weren't social, we wouldn't be where we are now.
anywho, i figured i'd write after a semi-stressful night. i thought i could make sense of things, but i'm beginning to realize that everything i do, and all the feelings and thoughts i have about others and other situations fall back on me. i can't blame anyone else for my feelings and thoughts, and i should stop looking outward for someone to blame. i need to take responsibility and find a way to get through the hard knocks on my own because it seems that life is a solo journey. it's all about finding your way....on your own. at least for me. but i'll always be there for everyone who's made an impression on me, and if you ever need a friend to talk to, i'll be there. i will never leave you out to dry when i know that there's a path that can lead you on the right track.
i never thought life could be so lonely.
-me : )
April 27, 2004
April 23, 2004
have you ever thought about it?
as i mentioned in the last blog, i was going to listen to more music and think. and i did that. interesting things come to mind when i think for a while.
the one thing i thought about for the last 40 minutes was something i've thought about many times before, but never really acted on: suicide. i've had one close friend commit suicide over a girlfriend two-and-a-half years ago, and every time i think about it, i wonder if he'd ever consider the consequences of his actions. every time i think about it, i think about what would happen to my family, and how messed up i would make things if i ever decided to act upon my thoughts.
this is the first time i've decided to write about it because i wanted to see my thoughts on paper (or on a screen). i want to see the same series of thoughts over and over again to make sure that i'm okay, and to make sure these thoughts are just part of a passing mood.
over the last hour, i've thought about ways to end my life, consequences of ending my life, and thinking about whether it's really worth it. in the "ways to end my life" category, i've come up with the following: overdosing and pulling the trigger on myself. i don't think i'm bold enough to jump off a building or in front of traffic or something like that. in the "consequences of ending my life" category, i've come up with the following: i'd make my family really sad, i'd make my friends (the few i have) sad, i'd cause unnecessary grief to my family and friends, i'd unnecessarily take up more of their time, i'd make my family move all of my stuff back home (or just dump it....my dad and/or lori would decide), i would cause great stress to my family, my life would be over, i wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the world, the rest of the world would go on without me, and, most of all, i'd disappoint everyone (more than i have since my birth). in the "whether it's really worth it" category, i've decided on this: it's the easy way out, and it's not worth it. no matter how much of a possibility i make it, the cons outweigh the pros on this one, and i'll continue to live my life until it's time for my natural exit.
there are times i toy with the idea of suicide. and then i think about what my dad would say if it ever happened....i think it would go along the following: "she took the easy way out. she copped out and didn't take responsibility for her actions. she screwed up and left everyone else to pick up after her. and now she's caused us more problems than we had when she was alive." seriously. no joke. he would say that.
lori would be more of a mess than she is right now, and i couldn't even imagine what she'd do. i'd leave her to deal with the rest of the family on her own, and that's not right. i'm her older sister, and i should be there to listen to her and to help her sort out her problems. that's what an older sister is supposed to do. if i leave her, i'm not sure what will happen to her.
i think i would cause the most grief to my grandparents. they've looked after me as their first grandchild for the past 21 years, and i know it would break their hearts to see me gone. i know that i've got a lot riding on my shoulders; 5,000 miles couldn't shake those expectations off of me. i couldn't even think about disappointing them in the worst possible way. it would be an insult to them.
i wonder if those who've committed suicide ever thought about the consequences of their actions: how much their families and friends would miss them, and how much pain they would cause, to name two such consequences. then again, why should they care about the consequences if all they're thinking about at the time is themselves? i guess that's the one thing we'll never get to ask those who've taken their own lives.
anywho, that's what i thought about in the last hour. hope i don't freak anyone out by posting this. i think it's fair enough for anyone to think about suicide once in a while, as long as they don't act on it before talking with their family and friends about their problems. i don't like to bother people with my problems; i'm sure there are people out there who have it worse than me. i need to get my head on straight and take responsibility instead of leaving everything out for someone else to take care of.
a good way to let it all out.
-me : )
the one thing i thought about for the last 40 minutes was something i've thought about many times before, but never really acted on: suicide. i've had one close friend commit suicide over a girlfriend two-and-a-half years ago, and every time i think about it, i wonder if he'd ever consider the consequences of his actions. every time i think about it, i think about what would happen to my family, and how messed up i would make things if i ever decided to act upon my thoughts.
this is the first time i've decided to write about it because i wanted to see my thoughts on paper (or on a screen). i want to see the same series of thoughts over and over again to make sure that i'm okay, and to make sure these thoughts are just part of a passing mood.
over the last hour, i've thought about ways to end my life, consequences of ending my life, and thinking about whether it's really worth it. in the "ways to end my life" category, i've come up with the following: overdosing and pulling the trigger on myself. i don't think i'm bold enough to jump off a building or in front of traffic or something like that. in the "consequences of ending my life" category, i've come up with the following: i'd make my family really sad, i'd make my friends (the few i have) sad, i'd cause unnecessary grief to my family and friends, i'd unnecessarily take up more of their time, i'd make my family move all of my stuff back home (or just dump it....my dad and/or lori would decide), i would cause great stress to my family, my life would be over, i wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the world, the rest of the world would go on without me, and, most of all, i'd disappoint everyone (more than i have since my birth). in the "whether it's really worth it" category, i've decided on this: it's the easy way out, and it's not worth it. no matter how much of a possibility i make it, the cons outweigh the pros on this one, and i'll continue to live my life until it's time for my natural exit.
there are times i toy with the idea of suicide. and then i think about what my dad would say if it ever happened....i think it would go along the following: "she took the easy way out. she copped out and didn't take responsibility for her actions. she screwed up and left everyone else to pick up after her. and now she's caused us more problems than we had when she was alive." seriously. no joke. he would say that.
lori would be more of a mess than she is right now, and i couldn't even imagine what she'd do. i'd leave her to deal with the rest of the family on her own, and that's not right. i'm her older sister, and i should be there to listen to her and to help her sort out her problems. that's what an older sister is supposed to do. if i leave her, i'm not sure what will happen to her.
i think i would cause the most grief to my grandparents. they've looked after me as their first grandchild for the past 21 years, and i know it would break their hearts to see me gone. i know that i've got a lot riding on my shoulders; 5,000 miles couldn't shake those expectations off of me. i couldn't even think about disappointing them in the worst possible way. it would be an insult to them.
i wonder if those who've committed suicide ever thought about the consequences of their actions: how much their families and friends would miss them, and how much pain they would cause, to name two such consequences. then again, why should they care about the consequences if all they're thinking about at the time is themselves? i guess that's the one thing we'll never get to ask those who've taken their own lives.
anywho, that's what i thought about in the last hour. hope i don't freak anyone out by posting this. i think it's fair enough for anyone to think about suicide once in a while, as long as they don't act on it before talking with their family and friends about their problems. i don't like to bother people with my problems; i'm sure there are people out there who have it worse than me. i need to get my head on straight and take responsibility instead of leaving everything out for someone else to take care of.
a good way to let it all out.
-me : )
it's what you make of it
the last friday of the semester has come and gone....and i'm just one day closer to the end of the craziest semester of recent memory. it's been fun, but it could have gone a lot better. oh well. i'll live. if you're lucky.
anywho, i picked up a new pair of cleats today (thanks tom!) with adrienne this afternoon. since it rained this morning, and magazine didn't look playable, practice was cancelled. hooray. after picking up new cleats, i met up with steve on his way out to watertown to pick up his cleats that ups didn't drop off. i returned here, while he caught a ride out with steve (magnusson).
over the last two hours, i've managed to purchase a ticket to the jack johnson concert in september, to check my e-mail, to surf the internet, to listen to norah jones, and to think for a bit. there are lots of thoughts going through my mind at the moment, and i'm not sure what to make of them....so, i'm just going to let them swim through my brain, and maybe i'll make something out of them later. i guess this was coming soon as a culmination of the things i've been doing this semester. i'll deal.
can't believe that it's the end of another school year. good and bad times have come, but i've enjoyed them all. i've learned a lot about myself, and a lot about others that makes me realize that there's more to life than what's in front of you. i've learned that friendships are important, and that my friends back home are the people i can count on to talk to whenever i need to. they've been there for me through thick and thin, and i only wish i could be there in the same way. thousands of miles don't help the situation, but i'll work on it this summer....maybe they'll even come and visit!!!! that would be awesome.
i think this is the second time in the last month or so that i've been in this weird mood. where i feel that i'm in the way of my friends' lives here, and that i really haven't stepped out of my comfort zone to make new friends. where i start to feel sorry for myself as i sit in this room and listen to music and think about life and how much of a failure i am and how much i've let my family down. those thoughts lead me to believe that i should be at home helping my dad keep the situation with my siblings under control, and that my indifference to my purpose in boston is a result of the realization that all i wanted to do after high school was to get out of the house. going to college in boston was the way to go, so i hopped on a plane and moved out. it was a good idea, but i think it may have had bad intentions. i knew that college required a lot more discipline and time management, and i gave into the things that made me happy and didn't require much mental commitment. as a result, my grades fall, and i disappoint all of those who really care about me; i please those who don't know me well, and everything goes to shit. word.
i always tell myself that i'm going to do better next semester. funny times. because i'm only kidding myself. i find myself busy, and i don't mind that, but it's not good for my purpose of being in boston. i'm here to learn, to get an education, to graduate from college with the best grades possible (at least that's what i take from my family), and to secure a job after college. at least that's what's been programmed for me to believe. the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced that i'm doing this just because it's what everyone is doing. i'm not doing my best in school, and i'm wasting my father's time and money and patience. i can't wait to call him and tell him that i'm not going to make the grades and i'm coming home. that's the deal we made in january, and i didn't hold up my end of the deal. fair enough, right?
then i think about what i'm going to do when i get home. i'm not even sure i'm going to go home. i'll probably just drop out of school here (so i don't waste another dime of my dad's money), and work to pay off my student loans, and hopefully save enough so i can take classes at umass-boston or some other state school to finish my degree. i haven't even thought about transfer applications back to uh. hmm, maybe i should do something about that. i don't know. i just want to talk with my dad and figure that stuff out before i make any other "permanent" plans. this is what i get for being so irresponsible. this is my responsibility.
i guess that's it for now. i'm going to think a bit more and listen to more music, and then go to the "slow kids" show tonight. maybe that will make me smile.
going home for good?
-me : )
anywho, i picked up a new pair of cleats today (thanks tom!) with adrienne this afternoon. since it rained this morning, and magazine didn't look playable, practice was cancelled. hooray. after picking up new cleats, i met up with steve on his way out to watertown to pick up his cleats that ups didn't drop off. i returned here, while he caught a ride out with steve (magnusson).
over the last two hours, i've managed to purchase a ticket to the jack johnson concert in september, to check my e-mail, to surf the internet, to listen to norah jones, and to think for a bit. there are lots of thoughts going through my mind at the moment, and i'm not sure what to make of them....so, i'm just going to let them swim through my brain, and maybe i'll make something out of them later. i guess this was coming soon as a culmination of the things i've been doing this semester. i'll deal.
can't believe that it's the end of another school year. good and bad times have come, but i've enjoyed them all. i've learned a lot about myself, and a lot about others that makes me realize that there's more to life than what's in front of you. i've learned that friendships are important, and that my friends back home are the people i can count on to talk to whenever i need to. they've been there for me through thick and thin, and i only wish i could be there in the same way. thousands of miles don't help the situation, but i'll work on it this summer....maybe they'll even come and visit!!!! that would be awesome.
i think this is the second time in the last month or so that i've been in this weird mood. where i feel that i'm in the way of my friends' lives here, and that i really haven't stepped out of my comfort zone to make new friends. where i start to feel sorry for myself as i sit in this room and listen to music and think about life and how much of a failure i am and how much i've let my family down. those thoughts lead me to believe that i should be at home helping my dad keep the situation with my siblings under control, and that my indifference to my purpose in boston is a result of the realization that all i wanted to do after high school was to get out of the house. going to college in boston was the way to go, so i hopped on a plane and moved out. it was a good idea, but i think it may have had bad intentions. i knew that college required a lot more discipline and time management, and i gave into the things that made me happy and didn't require much mental commitment. as a result, my grades fall, and i disappoint all of those who really care about me; i please those who don't know me well, and everything goes to shit. word.
i always tell myself that i'm going to do better next semester. funny times. because i'm only kidding myself. i find myself busy, and i don't mind that, but it's not good for my purpose of being in boston. i'm here to learn, to get an education, to graduate from college with the best grades possible (at least that's what i take from my family), and to secure a job after college. at least that's what's been programmed for me to believe. the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced that i'm doing this just because it's what everyone is doing. i'm not doing my best in school, and i'm wasting my father's time and money and patience. i can't wait to call him and tell him that i'm not going to make the grades and i'm coming home. that's the deal we made in january, and i didn't hold up my end of the deal. fair enough, right?
then i think about what i'm going to do when i get home. i'm not even sure i'm going to go home. i'll probably just drop out of school here (so i don't waste another dime of my dad's money), and work to pay off my student loans, and hopefully save enough so i can take classes at umass-boston or some other state school to finish my degree. i haven't even thought about transfer applications back to uh. hmm, maybe i should do something about that. i don't know. i just want to talk with my dad and figure that stuff out before i make any other "permanent" plans. this is what i get for being so irresponsible. this is my responsibility.
i guess that's it for now. i'm going to think a bit more and listen to more music, and then go to the "slow kids" show tonight. maybe that will make me smile.
going home for good?
-me : )
April 03, 2004
and the weekend begins....
so, i disappeared after starting the blog because i started cleaning my room and chatting online. as minutes turned into a few hours, i got wrapped up on reorganizing my cds and listening to my tummy rumble.
steve called in the nick of time, and we met up at betty's wok and noodle on massachusetts and huntington avenues. it had an interesting atmosphere, and the food was pretty good. the weather was decent, so we were able to walk back to campus. and my night ended with good will hunting. yay.
now, i'm reading and watching sesame street. i haven't watched it in a long time, so i better get back it. it's saturday. hooray for saturday morning cartoons and tv shows.
i wish i was playing ultimate this weekend.
-me : )
steve called in the nick of time, and we met up at betty's wok and noodle on massachusetts and huntington avenues. it had an interesting atmosphere, and the food was pretty good. the weather was decent, so we were able to walk back to campus. and my night ended with good will hunting. yay.
now, i'm reading and watching sesame street. i haven't watched it in a long time, so i better get back it. it's saturday. hooray for saturday morning cartoons and tv shows.
i wish i was playing ultimate this weekend.
-me : )
April 02, 2004
finally friday
it's finally friday. thank goodness. i played text twist for an hour and decided that it would be a good time to cach up on the rest of my life in the last few months.
it's been crazy, and good, and i've learned that i enjoy every minute of it. i'll complain about the logistics and the nitty-gritty things, but i realized that it really is what i make of it. i'm working on my personality and the impression i give off to others, but i'm beginning to understand that it's part of the way i work.
i am cold and shy and very closed during an initial meeting with someone because i'm assessing the situation to see if it's really worth contributing to the conversation. sometimes i'll do it just to be friendly, but if i don't think it's worth it, then i won't bother. it may be a bad thing to do, but oh well, that's me. take it or leave it. i'm sure many people have dropped me with my first impression, and that's cool. i don't have to have everyone like me, and i don't have to fit in everywhere. that's another huge revelation that came to me this week.
this week was rough. i made it rough, nonetheless, but my mind was in five different places throughout the week. there were times when i wanted to scream and give the world the stink eye, and there were times when i just wanted to pack up and get out of here. the weather didn't help much: it rained all day wednesday and thursday, and it was very frustrating walking in the rain and trying to figure out why i bend over backwards for people. part of me says it's part of growing up, and another part of me says it's part of who i am. regardless, i know that i'm not completely in control of my life yet, so there are some things that i just have to do and i shouldn't bitch about them.
i also need to remind myself that i can't control everyone. i can only control myself, and if i can't do that, then i should just keep my mouth shut until i gain control. i also need to learn to not be so serious about everything. some criticisms aren't directed towards me, they're shared because others have frustrations that they cannot share with anyone else. once i emotionally remove myself from the situations that don't involve me, i will better deal with them. i'm a very emotional person, and my thoughts often ride on my emotions. i have high expectations of myself and others, and when others have a dissenting opinion, i get riled up when i shouldn't. they have their own opinions, and it's okay. so, i'll work on this for the summer and the rest of my life. i think it'll decrease the stress i give myself.
hooray for friday.
-me : )
it's been crazy, and good, and i've learned that i enjoy every minute of it. i'll complain about the logistics and the nitty-gritty things, but i realized that it really is what i make of it. i'm working on my personality and the impression i give off to others, but i'm beginning to understand that it's part of the way i work.
i am cold and shy and very closed during an initial meeting with someone because i'm assessing the situation to see if it's really worth contributing to the conversation. sometimes i'll do it just to be friendly, but if i don't think it's worth it, then i won't bother. it may be a bad thing to do, but oh well, that's me. take it or leave it. i'm sure many people have dropped me with my first impression, and that's cool. i don't have to have everyone like me, and i don't have to fit in everywhere. that's another huge revelation that came to me this week.
this week was rough. i made it rough, nonetheless, but my mind was in five different places throughout the week. there were times when i wanted to scream and give the world the stink eye, and there were times when i just wanted to pack up and get out of here. the weather didn't help much: it rained all day wednesday and thursday, and it was very frustrating walking in the rain and trying to figure out why i bend over backwards for people. part of me says it's part of growing up, and another part of me says it's part of who i am. regardless, i know that i'm not completely in control of my life yet, so there are some things that i just have to do and i shouldn't bitch about them.
i also need to remind myself that i can't control everyone. i can only control myself, and if i can't do that, then i should just keep my mouth shut until i gain control. i also need to learn to not be so serious about everything. some criticisms aren't directed towards me, they're shared because others have frustrations that they cannot share with anyone else. once i emotionally remove myself from the situations that don't involve me, i will better deal with them. i'm a very emotional person, and my thoughts often ride on my emotions. i have high expectations of myself and others, and when others have a dissenting opinion, i get riled up when i shouldn't. they have their own opinions, and it's okay. so, i'll work on this for the summer and the rest of my life. i think it'll decrease the stress i give myself.
hooray for friday.
-me : )
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