i think the only reason i want to remember this starbucks saying is because it's number 83. to me it represents the year of my birth and it reminded me of who i was before i got hurt:
"they told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. what they failed to tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. what you look like isn't important. what is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life." --tiana tozer, 1992 paralympic silver and 1996 bronze medalist, women's wheelchair basketball
this saying reminds me of how i'm choosing to live my life now. the decisions i've made to go to physical therapy even though i didn't want to. the decision to trust my doctor and visit other doctors that are interested in my well-being and want me to get better. the decision to reach out to my friends when i'm having difficulty dealing with life on my own. i don't care much about beauty; i just know that the choices i've made (with help from my friends, family, doctors, and athletic trainers, of course) reflect who i am: someone who won't give up when things get crappy, someone who is trying to suck it up and deal with the pain, someone who is trying to be patient with herself and the situation. and i'm proud of the person i am.
i wouldn't have said that a month ago....i probably was at the point where i wanted to give up on pt and accept the state i was in. life threw me a lot of curveballs, and i was ready to fall apart. it was the easy way out: a way where i didn't have to try hard or push myself to get through each day....looking back, that wasn't the real me.
i'm really glad the month of march showed up when it did. march is a very awesome month. and it helped me put things in perspective and change my attitude about the way things were going. the encouragement and support from the athletic trainers and friends got me through the crappy part of being injured, and even though i'm not yet through the crappy part of rehab, i'm starting to conquer the big obstacle that's in my way. i do see the light at the end of the tunnel, and i wouldn't be able to see it if it weren't for the people who have been in my life for the past five months.
speaking of five months....yesterday was the five month anniversary of my acl tear. craziness.
random thought....the blog i wrote on my birthday was the 200th post since i've had this blog. hooray me.
i just wanted to write to thank those who have supported me through these last five months. i know it hasn't been easy, but i really really really really appreciate everything you've done for me. i wouldn't have made it to this day without you.
okay, that's all from me. i should get back to being productive.
almost halfway through the week.
-me : )
March 29, 2006
March 24, 2006
the way i see it #76
"the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating--in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." --anne morris (a starbucks customer from nyc)
this quote was on my starbucks cup on wednesday (hump day/worst day of the week). i got up late, i forgot my t pass and missed two buses because of it, i missed the transfer from bus to t, i missed the connecting bus after going to starbucks....it was not a good day. but, i made it to work, sat down at my desk, and took a look at the cup....
....and i tried to turn my day around. i read the quote realizing that the main reason i continue to go to physical therapy, continue believing that i will get better, continue doing whatever i can do....is that once i've committed myself to doing something, it's out of my head. i'm at work working, i go to physical therapy and work my butt off, i visit all the doctors that have been recommended to me....because i believe that visiting them drops all the problems i have into their laps.
but it doesn't. it just eliminates the hesitation for one more day, it removes my brain from this situation, and i wish that all the problems were solved every time i visit the doctor, the physical therapist, the medical acupuncturist....but it doesn't work like that. i need to believe that i can take control of this situation and make it better for myself (even though at times it doesn't seem that way). friends, doctors, and family can only do so much....when it comes down to it, the only person who can decide to want to get better is me.
it's scary to think that i'm working for this on my own. my own desire and selfishness to get better, and not letting my body get the best of me. to be able to say (at the end of everything) that i made it through (what could be) the most difficult months of my life. to know that i was mentally tough enough to keep going. that's why i'm not giving up. as much as i want to give up, i couldn't live with myself if i did. there are too many people (including myself) counting on me to make a full recovery and enjoy exercise and sport again.
these last two months have been the darkest months of my life. tons of frustration, impatience, questions, pain, tears....and i'm not even halfway there yet. i'm still working on my range of motion, seeing doctors in every specialty who are trying to help me get better....and then i will most likely need acl surgery. tack on another six months after surgery, and then i'll be able to exercise, function, and compete again....after i get back in shape. it could (potentially) be an entire year before i run again....and it's really scary to think about.
last night as i was riding the bus over the charles after work (it was a beautiful march evening), i saw people walking, jogging, and riding bikes....and it made me sad. sad that i couldn't enjoy the weather like everyone else was, and sad that i wouldn't be able to enjoy the good weather to come this year. by the time i am able to run again, it'll be nearly winter time. and that's okay. because once i'm given the okay to exercise and return to competition, i am going to promise myself to workout every day, whether it's a short run, working out at the gym, attending a spinning/step/dance class....it's the way to take advantage of being able to function normally, exercise, and enjoy life....
you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. 'nough said.
...and i continue to dwell on my current state of affairs as if it's the end of the world. it's not. i'm still alive and functioning the best i can. and i will be able to walk around like everyone else again. it's just going to take a little longer than planned. that's all. i can't think about the months ahead without embracing each day set before me. i have to get it out of my mind that i'm going to wake up one day and miraculously walk around like i did five months ago. it's not going to happen unless i commit myself to the people i see and the things i'm doing. they're doing what they can, and i need to do what i can, and only then will things start to come together.
keep on pushing. keep on keepin' on. there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. and i'll get there by taking little steps.
i have to believe.
-me : )
this quote was on my starbucks cup on wednesday (hump day/worst day of the week). i got up late, i forgot my t pass and missed two buses because of it, i missed the transfer from bus to t, i missed the connecting bus after going to starbucks....it was not a good day. but, i made it to work, sat down at my desk, and took a look at the cup....
....and i tried to turn my day around. i read the quote realizing that the main reason i continue to go to physical therapy, continue believing that i will get better, continue doing whatever i can do....is that once i've committed myself to doing something, it's out of my head. i'm at work working, i go to physical therapy and work my butt off, i visit all the doctors that have been recommended to me....because i believe that visiting them drops all the problems i have into their laps.
but it doesn't. it just eliminates the hesitation for one more day, it removes my brain from this situation, and i wish that all the problems were solved every time i visit the doctor, the physical therapist, the medical acupuncturist....but it doesn't work like that. i need to believe that i can take control of this situation and make it better for myself (even though at times it doesn't seem that way). friends, doctors, and family can only do so much....when it comes down to it, the only person who can decide to want to get better is me.
it's scary to think that i'm working for this on my own. my own desire and selfishness to get better, and not letting my body get the best of me. to be able to say (at the end of everything) that i made it through (what could be) the most difficult months of my life. to know that i was mentally tough enough to keep going. that's why i'm not giving up. as much as i want to give up, i couldn't live with myself if i did. there are too many people (including myself) counting on me to make a full recovery and enjoy exercise and sport again.
these last two months have been the darkest months of my life. tons of frustration, impatience, questions, pain, tears....and i'm not even halfway there yet. i'm still working on my range of motion, seeing doctors in every specialty who are trying to help me get better....and then i will most likely need acl surgery. tack on another six months after surgery, and then i'll be able to exercise, function, and compete again....after i get back in shape. it could (potentially) be an entire year before i run again....and it's really scary to think about.
last night as i was riding the bus over the charles after work (it was a beautiful march evening), i saw people walking, jogging, and riding bikes....and it made me sad. sad that i couldn't enjoy the weather like everyone else was, and sad that i wouldn't be able to enjoy the good weather to come this year. by the time i am able to run again, it'll be nearly winter time. and that's okay. because once i'm given the okay to exercise and return to competition, i am going to promise myself to workout every day, whether it's a short run, working out at the gym, attending a spinning/step/dance class....it's the way to take advantage of being able to function normally, exercise, and enjoy life....
you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. 'nough said.
...and i continue to dwell on my current state of affairs as if it's the end of the world. it's not. i'm still alive and functioning the best i can. and i will be able to walk around like everyone else again. it's just going to take a little longer than planned. that's all. i can't think about the months ahead without embracing each day set before me. i have to get it out of my mind that i'm going to wake up one day and miraculously walk around like i did five months ago. it's not going to happen unless i commit myself to the people i see and the things i'm doing. they're doing what they can, and i need to do what i can, and only then will things start to come together.
keep on pushing. keep on keepin' on. there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. and i'll get there by taking little steps.
i have to believe.
-me : )
March 10, 2006
another year
hooray for another birthday! it's crazy to think that i'm 23 now; i don't really feel like i'm another year older.
i don't know why i'm writing; i think i'm trying to get my mind off of this afternoon's physical therapy session. maybe it's also a mix of trying to make myself happy on my birthday....i don't know. it's just sad to think about spending the majority of my 23rd year on earth getting my knee back to normal. i know it's just one year, but everyday feels like an eternity.
physical therapy is going well, i guess. we're making incremental progress, and i'm going to see the acupuncturist on monday morning. exciting. i just want everything in my leg to work together so i can function properly. limping around blows. a lot. and it makes me grumpy. and sad. and i can't keep feeling sorry for myself....it's frustrating. as i told my sister yesterday when she was getting frustrated over her situation in california: our characters are getting tested and we have to step up to the challenge. most of the time, i just want to run away from it and accept that i won't get better....but there are lots and lots of people who are supporting me through this tough time, and they believe that i'm going to bounce back from this in no time. and i believe them....i really do, and i believe in myself that i'm going to, one day, run around, exercise, and play sports like i used to. i'm looking forward to that. i just have to stay relatively sane until that day comes because it's going to be a long road to recovery.
these mood swings are killing me. i just want to be happy again. it's my birthday, and i can't pretend to be happy.
one day at a time.
-me : ) (but i can input a smiley face)
i don't know why i'm writing; i think i'm trying to get my mind off of this afternoon's physical therapy session. maybe it's also a mix of trying to make myself happy on my birthday....i don't know. it's just sad to think about spending the majority of my 23rd year on earth getting my knee back to normal. i know it's just one year, but everyday feels like an eternity.
physical therapy is going well, i guess. we're making incremental progress, and i'm going to see the acupuncturist on monday morning. exciting. i just want everything in my leg to work together so i can function properly. limping around blows. a lot. and it makes me grumpy. and sad. and i can't keep feeling sorry for myself....it's frustrating. as i told my sister yesterday when she was getting frustrated over her situation in california: our characters are getting tested and we have to step up to the challenge. most of the time, i just want to run away from it and accept that i won't get better....but there are lots and lots of people who are supporting me through this tough time, and they believe that i'm going to bounce back from this in no time. and i believe them....i really do, and i believe in myself that i'm going to, one day, run around, exercise, and play sports like i used to. i'm looking forward to that. i just have to stay relatively sane until that day comes because it's going to be a long road to recovery.
these mood swings are killing me. i just want to be happy again. it's my birthday, and i can't pretend to be happy.
one day at a time.
-me : ) (but i can input a smiley face)
March 07, 2006
no spring break for me!
it's so weird to think that this is the first year i haven't had a spring break in....17 years! ever since elementary school, i've always had a week in march when i didn't have to go to school. now that i'm done with school and in the "real world," i don't have a spring break, and honestly, it doesn't feel weird at all.
it would be nice to have a week off to relax and do fun, non-work things in march, but i have the opportunity to do that on almost every evening of the week. i don't have homework (hooray!), tests (hooray!), papers (hooray!), or projects (hooray!) looming in the distance. i come home from work (or physical therapy), and think about the number of things i could do with my night: watch tv (scrubs, my name is earl, the office, the apprentice, the amazing race, college basketball....to name a few), read, listen to music, do some word puzzles (to try to keep my brain sharp), stare at the ceiling, or even sleep whenever i want. it's awesome.
i think the only downside about not having a spring break is that i don't get my birthday off from work. i celebrated my 21st and 22nd birthdays in savannah, georgia, playing ultimate and partying with the lady pilots. that was a lot of fun. my 23rd (crazy!) birthday is coming in three short days, and i'll be in boston to celebrate it. exciting. i don't have plans as of yet, but it's on friday, so that means i could party all weekend long....hahahahahahahaha. that's not going to happen. me and my knee can't hack it, and it's not worth the misery i'd encounter throughout the weekend. i do hope to have a nice dinner and a few drinks with a few friends, and to hang out with them for a bit, but that's all i really can do with my knee. hopefully, i'll be able to have a crazy birthday next year....but that can wait.
one more thing before i go (which is totally off the subject from today's blog): i have bruising along my knee and shin from physical therapy. it's kinda gross looking but it's a sign of progress....i think. it just looks like someone beat me in the spots around my knee and nowhere else. fun times.
i guess that's all i have for today....the weather has been pretty mild this week. maybe a sign of warmer weather to come? one can only hope.
speaking of warmer weather....i still need to schedule sectionals.
-me : )
it would be nice to have a week off to relax and do fun, non-work things in march, but i have the opportunity to do that on almost every evening of the week. i don't have homework (hooray!), tests (hooray!), papers (hooray!), or projects (hooray!) looming in the distance. i come home from work (or physical therapy), and think about the number of things i could do with my night: watch tv (scrubs, my name is earl, the office, the apprentice, the amazing race, college basketball....to name a few), read, listen to music, do some word puzzles (to try to keep my brain sharp), stare at the ceiling, or even sleep whenever i want. it's awesome.
i think the only downside about not having a spring break is that i don't get my birthday off from work. i celebrated my 21st and 22nd birthdays in savannah, georgia, playing ultimate and partying with the lady pilots. that was a lot of fun. my 23rd (crazy!) birthday is coming in three short days, and i'll be in boston to celebrate it. exciting. i don't have plans as of yet, but it's on friday, so that means i could party all weekend long....hahahahahahahaha. that's not going to happen. me and my knee can't hack it, and it's not worth the misery i'd encounter throughout the weekend. i do hope to have a nice dinner and a few drinks with a few friends, and to hang out with them for a bit, but that's all i really can do with my knee. hopefully, i'll be able to have a crazy birthday next year....but that can wait.
one more thing before i go (which is totally off the subject from today's blog): i have bruising along my knee and shin from physical therapy. it's kinda gross looking but it's a sign of progress....i think. it just looks like someone beat me in the spots around my knee and nowhere else. fun times.
i guess that's all i have for today....the weather has been pretty mild this week. maybe a sign of warmer weather to come? one can only hope.
speaking of warmer weather....i still need to schedule sectionals.
-me : )
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