2007....time for the real healing to begin

we're 17 days into 2007. i can't believe that 2006 flew by as quickly as it did.

i updated my blog since blogger is out of "beta", so for those of your who frequent this infrequently written space, i do hope you like the changes. i may even add a profile picture. just maybe. : )

anywho, the real reason i'm writing today is because i finally have the urge to write. it's been almost three months since my last post, and that was about nationals. and now that another ultimate season is upon us, and i have thoughts going through my head that are somewhat coherent, it's time to get them out.

in the last month, i've been feeling distant. i call it "emotional detachment." i feel empty inside, and all the thoughts that go through my head are rational. the emotion is gone from me, and i feel very different. for those of you who know me, i am a very emotional person. i've lived by my emotions for that last 23 5/6 years, so where did it go? part of me suspects that it's due to all the craziness i've been through in the last year. so, one side of me says it's okay to feel this way because i'm protecting myself from being depressed again. the other side of me feels crappy because i don't feel alive. and that because i'm not feeling alive, i'm not being a good friend to my friends. and then i dump this problem on my friends in hopes that they understand where i am at this moment in time. and that when i seem distant, i really am distant, and am working through this phase one day at a time. i'm working on being honest with friends because i think that's the only way they will truly be able to understand me.

my knee is at a stable point right now. the doctor wants to draw fluid out of my knee and culture it before he clears me for surgery. then i'll have surgery to repair my patellar tendon. then months of rehab to get me walking normally (for the first time in almost two years), functioning normally, and possibly returning to sport. but what happens after that? the road forks and there are three options:

option a - knee is stable, strong, and the doctor gives me the okay to play ultimate again. awesome. i will finally move on with my life.

option b - knee is not stable, and the doctor, athletic trainer, and i decide on the acl reconstruction surgery. then i'm back for six more months of rehab. and then it's done. i think.

option c - knee is not stable, and the doctor, athletic trainer, and i consider the acl reconstruction surgery. we decide it's not worth the risks involved, and i'm on my way with the rest of my life without an acl. are sports possible? technically, yes. could i compete at the level i competed at prior to the injury? maybe. it all depends.

....okay, i'm back after a 18-hour hiatus. i told the team about my knee situation, and my mental and lack-of-emotional state. it went over well for me because, well, i'm emotionally detached. it's going to be interesting to see how this emotional detachment progresses over the next few months, but i think i'll get out of it soon, and things will be back to normal. for now, though, i'm just waiting.

i think that's it for this post. more to come soon.

i think writing revives the soul.

-me : )