silverlined heart by taylor mali

a friend of mine sent me a link to taylor mali's website early last summer, and i found my newest favorite poem, Silverlined Heart. i love his disposition in this poem (and in the rest of them, of course), but i chose this one for this stanza:

I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar,
for the delicate and the resilient and the fragile human heart,
may it always heal stronger than it was before.
For walks in the woods, and for the woods themselves,
by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.
Window seats, and locally brewed beer,
and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:
I’m for all of these.

i printed up this poem and posted it on the wall in my office cube, and it's always put a smile on my face. when i feel like the world is spinning too quickly, i look over my left shoulder to read the poem, to take a deep breath, and realize (yet again) that everything is going to be fine. : )

i'm sharing this poem (and image of said poem) here today as a result of a chain of cause-and-effect events during my morning commute to work....1)npr's "all songs considered" podcast and blog. on my way to work this morning, i plugged into my i-pizzle (ipod) and listened to npr's valentine's day podcast, "lesser known love songs". i'm not exactly excited about love songs, but i do enjoy the podcast and trudged through it. i enjoyed a few of their picks, but didn't really care for most of them, but as i said before, i'm not really listening to love songs right now.

2) when i arrived at work, i logged onto my google reader, scanned through "all songs considered" posts, and saw a new post to the page titled, "morrissey, lily allen, sufjan steves, more". i enjoy lily allen and sufjan stevens, so, of course, i clicked on the link and found myself listening to "blood pt. 2" by buck 65 featuring sufjan stevens and serengeti from Dark Was The Night, a compilation cd, that, according to its website, "will benefit the Red Hot Organization – an international charity dedicated to raising money and awareness for HIV and AIDS through popular culture." i enjoyed the song (and plan to listen to it over and over again for a while), and recognized a few other artists on the compilation: andrew bird, arcade fire, beirut, cat power and dirty delta blues, the decemberists, feist, iron & wine, my morning jacket, the national, and spoon (there are more, of course). most important, the cd is being released in the u.s. today. : )

which leads me to 3) my weekly newbury comics e-mail. i don't consider myself a music buff. rather, i have an eclectic taste in music driven first by sound and followed much (much much) later by actually listening to the lyrics. anywho, i like music, and that's all that matters. where was i....okay, so i am excited about the cd and discovered that it is being released in the states today. i shouldn't purchase music right now, but, well, as i discussed this weekend, there are times when music trumps food. and for the last week, music has trumped food. the newbury comics e-mail informs me that Dark Was The Night is on sale for $9.99, and i immediately put it on my list of "things to purchase". definitely picking it up sometime this week. hooray. : ) i will also pick up beirut's new ep, march of the zapotec ($7.99).

okay, okay. so i've got my coupons and my list of cds....why do i have this wordle image at the top of my post? ah. yes. so, after all of this, i return to the all songs considered website and click through to its blog. i see bob boilen's post about lily allen's new cd, it's not me, it's you. and, he's taken the lyrics to her entire album to wordle and created a word cloud. i thought it was pretty cool, and i wanted to give it a try....which leads me to:

4) silverlined heart by taylor mali. the image above was created using just that poem, while the image below was created from all of his published poem texts on www.taylormali.com:



you can play with colors, fonts, vertical/horizontal orientation, and pretty much everything else. however, once you publish it to the gallery, it's for all the world to see....and wordle reminds you to be sure that you've reviewed what you created before you publish.

i think this most recent word cloud looks like a fish. the head is at the left, and the tail is at the right. "make" is the lower fin, and the little words at the top of the frame create the shape of the top fin. fun stuff. : )

so, now, i've re-posted part of taylor mali's poem, silverlined heart, and if you want to read it in its entirety, visit his website, click on "poem texts", and enjoy! as i sign off for this post, i leave you with the last two stanzas of this poem:

I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”
For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining,
and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.

So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses
about what you are against, despise, and abhor.
Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you,
put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!

-me : )

another season in the books

another season in the books. brutesquad v.7.0 finished 5th at nationals, and it was another gorgeous weekend (despite the wind) for ultimate. of course, after all was said and done, i made the trip to sarasota because i wanted to go and be there and celebrate my friends' and their successes this season. as i've said time after time after time: arriving at the fields on thursday morning NEVER. GETS. OLD. never. this is the healthiest i've been since my injury three years ago, and i had a huge rush of adrenaline pumping through me as we parked the car....and i wasn't even playing! it felt good to be so close to playing that i was actually happy this time around.

ironsides lost in the finals to jam, and it sucked to see friends lose, but i couldn't be more motivated than to see my friends, people i know, playing in the finals. that all i could think about after seeing jasper, danny, jeff, ryan, holzer, and paul batten....awesome people and friends....playing in the finals, i wanted so badly to compete at that level again. that i was going to do everything that i could do to be ready to play next summer. that it is finally time to return to ultimate. because i haven't done all i can in that sport, and that i have so much more to learn and to improve on, and that i want just one more chance to prove to myself (and to others) that i am good at ultimate. really effin good.

but. yes, but. it starts at day one, and proceeds one day at a time. and i'm not going to get to the finals at nationals without putting in the time and energy now. must stay in the moment, and use the future as motivation for the moment. i've been diligent this long, and i can't forget what i did to get me to this point. : ) so, i started lunges phase 1 on tuesday. and, it was AMAZING. i was pleasantly surprised with myself. i held the lunge on each leg for three minutes straight! i guess i am a little stronger than i was in january. : ) tuesday was encouraging, and i really really really really believe that my time has come, and it's all up to me to take advantage of the time that i have now, and get to work if i really want to play next season. no regrets. taking life one day at a time.

phase 1, day 1
tuesday, november 4
hold lunge continuously for 3 minutes on each leg
left leg - 3 minutes in one hold
right leg - 3 minutes in one hold

phase 1, day 2
thursday, november 6
ditto day 1
left leg - 3 minutes in one hold
right leg - 2:45 in one hold; :15 in the second hold

knee feels great. flexion is still improving. scar tissue needs to get out of the way. or, if it doesn't want to get out of the way, it needs to move enough so i can run, sprint, jump, cut, and do all the frisbee-related things i need it to do. still very excited about being able to hold the lunge in one try.

more rambling to come soon and more often. for now, it's thursday night, i'm done with classes for the week, and i should either go home or join people for thirsty thursday fun times. watching a ballroom dance class at mit makes my night. -me : )

family is funny

a facebook wall post from my sister to my brother. we are funny. had to keep this somewhere:

brother...did dad tell you how mad he was at me cuz of the stupid css profile thing.
well i didnt make a copy of my 1040 so he had to scan and email me the page i had to sign.
1)he didnt know how to work the scanner and traci wasnt home.
2)he didnt know how to attach something via email
it was funny he was getting frustrated because this was sunday.
oh and then i signed in the wrong place, so i white-out-ed that place and resigned where i was supposed to and when i scanned it and sent it back to dad, he was pissed because you could tell a little that i made a mistake.
i laughed some more.
so are you coming home???


that's all for now.

-me : )

word of the day #7

yes, it's early, but thanks to alycen, a friend/colleague here at work, i've found a really cool one. check out this article on the palestra, where unc and penn played last night. the tar heels won 106-71, and remain undefeated at 8-0.

eleemosynary (adjective): of, relating to, or supported by, charity
etymology - medieval latin, eleemosynarius, from late latin eleemosyna alms, circa 1616
(merriam-webster.com/eleemosynary)

fun stuff. makes me want to take a road trip to see a game in this gym....anyone want to go?

anywho, in more random news: saw mute meth, against me!, cold war kids, and spoon at the orpheum last night. a great (and long) show. the lead singer for cold war kids is impressive, and can hold his own while playing live. not that i doubted them for a second.

friday brings another long show: cake's unlimited sunshine festival with agent ribbons, oakley hall, and the brazilian girls. alycen is bringing a few of her friends, and i'm still looking for one to go with me. hopefully, i'll find someone. : )

lots of music this week. but it's totally worth it.

no one is in charge of your happiness except you.

-me : )

word of the day #6

happy tuesday! it snowed yesterday, and today, boston is covered in ice. fun stuff. i've been fortunate enough not to fall yet, but i won't hold my breath. at least it looks like winter.

today's word is brought to you by an article in the nytimes about aaron sorkin's new broadway play, the farnsworth invention. it starts tonight on broadway, and i'm hoping to go to nyc to watch it this winter. i like this word because it sounds nice. haha.

euphonious (adjective): pleasing to the ear
date - 1774
(yes, that's all there is to this entry: merriam-webster.com/euphonious)

i've been productive today, and it's only 3:45. tonight, i'm going to see cold war kids (and others) at the orpheum. should be a great time.

in other news, i finished my first nytimes crossword puzzle last night. i feel a little smart. oh, and it was a monday puzzle. so, yeah. at least i finished one. : )

also, more random stuff: my demotivator for december is dreams: dreams are like rainbows. only idiots chase them. hee hee.

20 days until i'm home!

-me : )

word of the day #5

word of the day: weekend edition makes it debut this evening. i'm catching up on weekend sports, and found this article on the bills/redskins game. sean taylor, the washington redskins' 24-year old safety, was shot in the a major artery in the leg, and passed away on tuesday. the buffalo bills beat the redskins 17-16 with a game-winning field goal with four seconds left in the game. it was an emotionally draining day for the redskins and their fans, and, as such, today's word isn't exactly a happy one.

disconsolate (adjective): 1 - cheerless; 2 - dejected, downcast
etymology - middle english, from medieval latin disconsolatus, from latin dis- + consolatus, past participle of consolari to console

good news: hawaii beat the university of washington last night 35-28. bcs bowl announcement is at 8 p.m est tonight....the warriors are 12-0 and the only undefeated team left in ncaa division 1 football this year. VERY exciting. hooray!

it's sunday night, and i'm looking forward to watching football, doing the crossword, and figuring out the rest of my week.

22 days until i'm back in hawaii!

-me : )

word of the day #4

yay! another word of the day. brought to you by margaret talbot's profile of david simon, the creator of "the wire" found in the october 22 issue of the new yorker. check it out!

neologism (noun): 1 - a new word, usage, or expression; 2 - a meaningless word coined by a psychotic
etymology - french neologisme, from ne- + log- + -isme -ism
(www.merriam-webster.com/neologism)

i picked this word because it sounded cool....yes, i know, not a 'good' reason to pick a word. whatever.

hooray friday! end of november; welcome december! lots of things going on in the next three weeks, and i can start the countdown to my trip home!....25 days and counting!

my off-season non-active (in which i am not physically participating) resolution (similar to a new year's resolution....just ultimate-related, of course) is to keep up with 'sports' (to include college basketball, off-season baseball stuff, pro and college football, and, maybe pro basketball), and to attempt the daily nytimes crossword puzzle. with that said, i have a lot of work to do.

i got a few answers in yesterday's crossword. hoping to get an answer in today's issue.

life is too short for pity parties. get busy living, or get busy dying.

-me : )

word of the day #3

back today because i found a cool word on jim caple's column on page 2 celebrating the 25th anniversary of "the play" in the cal-stanford game (it's actually located in the sidebar featuring an interview with robert smith, the stanford trombonist):

vitriol (noun): 1a - a sulfate of any of various metals (as copper, iron, or zinc); especially: a glassy hydrate of such a sulfate, 1b - oil of vitriol; 2 - something felt to resemble vitriol especially in caustic quality; especially: virulence of feeling or speech
etymology - middle english, from anglo-french vitriole, from medieval latin vitriolum, alteration of late latin vitreolum, neuter of vitreolus glassy, from latin vitreus vitreous
(all this courtesy of merriam-webster.com)

thursday is going well. new student ambassador badges arrived....they are beautiful (and i was lucky to get one)! just one day from the weekend, and two days from december! craziness.

in other (random) news: uh football hosts the university of washington on saturday for the last regular-season game. very very exciting. oh, and i'm going to disneyland with the family in january. hooray!

....really, i couldn't have shared more random news today.

very excited for home and time with the family.

-me : )

word of the day #2

back again with the second installment of my word of the day.

accrue (verb/intransitive verb): 1 - to come into existence as a legally enforceable claim; 2a - to come about as natural growth, increase, or advantage, 2b - to come as a direct result of some state or action; 3 - to accumulate or be added periodically, to accumulate or have due after a period of time
etymology - middle english acreuen, probably from anglo-french *acrue increase, from acriestre to increase, from latin accrescere, from ad + crescere to grow

the holiday season is officially here (commercially, anyway). holiday music is playing everywhere, and people are often seen walking around with bags of gifts. i've started my holiday shopping, and am very excited about the season....and that i'll be home for two weeks (december 24 - january 3) enjoying the warm weather, family, friends, food, and relaxing! very very excited. hooray!

still trying to get my act together with the grad school application....maybe i'll work on that when i'm home? i'll figure it out.

oh, and one more thing: pandora is awesome. really enjoy the music i've been exposed to based on just typing in a song. fun times. if you haven't checked it out already, please visit pandora.

okay, so i lied. one more thing. bill simmons wrote a heart-warming article on his daughter's first nba game. it reminded me to continue enjoying the little things in life, even when innocence is lost. i highly recommend reading it. read it here.

with that said, here's a thought to end this post:

don't take yourself too seriously. no one else does.

-me : )

p.s. if you're reading this, cast your vote(s) in the poll below! : )

word of the day

in hopes of getting into grad school, i'm going to compile a list of words i probably should know, but don't. yes, i know, i majored in journalism. here we go with word #1:

modicum (noun): a small portion, a limited quantity
etymology - middle english, from latin, neuter of modicus moderate, from modus measure

(thank you merriam-webster.com!)

speaking of grad school....i took the gre's on thursday evening. that was an exciting experience, and i'm very glad that i don't have to take them again. hopefully my scores are good enough for my program....

thanksgiving is on thursday. hooray turkey and friends! this year, i will return to the baumgartners' in topsfield for a day of friends, food, and fun (and bourbon). looking forward to hanging out and taking it easy for a day. : )

i don't have much else to write today. looking forward to a very short work week.

when in doubt, just take the next small step.

-me : )

august is awesome

to keep with my alliterative ways, i had to title this entry, "august is awesome." because it has been an amazing month. highlights include:

- saw glen hansard and marketa irglova LIVE at brattle square theatre (after waiting for four hours!);
- interviewed with AND hired in the mit alumni relations office (start date: september 4!);
- traveled with buda's girls ycc team (blue crush) to blaine, mn; the team finished 3rd AND won the spirit award;
- traveled with brute to ecc in burlington, wa and finished 3rd (with lots of great memories and highlights)

things to come:

- moving to jamaica plain sometime next week with x, simon, and spoony (hooray for early move-in!);
- traveling with brute to labor day in santa cruz, ca during labor day weekend;
- starting my new job (hooray!);
- traveling to philly to watch miki play soccer

lots of things for which to be grateful, not to mention the progress with my knee and pt. it's been a great summer so far, and i'm really pumped for the things to come. i am finally starting to see that light at the end of this really long tunnel. word.

so, where to start....not much to say about the swell season show except that it was totally worth the wait. four hours on an august evening were well spent. and, if you haven't seen 'once' yet, i recommend that you do as soon as possible, or at least rent the dvd when it comes out. not to worry, though, i will have it in my dvd collection. : ) so, you're more than welcome to borrow it.

next, new job. very excited. quick story about this: after waiting for four hours to see the swell season, then seeing the AMAZING show, i went home with a huge smile on my face and went to bed. the next morning, i got to work and received not one, but TWO phone calls for job interviews....and that was the beginning of the good things to come this month. : ) all the waiting is beginning to pay off.

okay, back to the details: my official title will be administrative assistant of student programs. basically, i'm going to be the liaison between mit student clubs/groups and their alumni. i'm really excited (i don't think i will use the word enough in this post) to return to a student-driven environment, and actually work towards my career goal. never thought that would happen. : ) among those main responsibilities, i will be the go-to person for the administrative work in the office. it'll be great to get all of these experiences in one job! yay! the museum has been a great place to me, but it is time to move on. my last day at the museum is august 29, and then i'll take a couple days to finish packing and moving before i'm off to california for the weekend. then back to start my new job!

in between the job interview and waiting to hear from the alumni relations office, i traveled with and coached the buda's girls ycc team. blaine, mn, hosted, yet again, the ycc (youth club championships), and it was a very positive experience for the girls and for me. it made me realize how AWESOME ultimate is, and how much i'd like to be involved at the youth level. the girls are an impressive bunch, and i only wish i had more time this summer to better prepare them for the tournament. oh well, maybe next year? : ) anywho, 3rd place was GREAT, but winning the spirit award was amazing. not that i didn't doubt that these girls played spirited ultimate all weekend, but the girls did have the goal to win the spirit award, and they demonstrated it both on the field and off the field. i am VERY proud of them. : )

and on to this past weekend....brute squad competed in its first pre-season tournament in burlington, wa. it was a fabulous weekend for the team. hooray! : )

we played against fury, viva, zeitgeist, and backhoe on saturday; and rounded up the weekend by playing gb, traffic, riot, and traffic (yes, again, for redemption) on sunday. we went 5-3 on the weekend with losses to fury, riot, and traffic (the first game), and learned a lot about us and our potential in each game. very exciting. the trip was worthwhile, and it's a great way to compare ourselves to the west coast competition. now, we have two weeks to prepare for labor day, and bring our level of play up even more!

besides the competition, i got to see a few friends i haven't seen since....nationals in october. i love pre-season elite tournaments, and friends who play on these elite teams. seeing and talking with them keeps me motivated to continue pushing through with pt so i can play ultimate again. next year. for sure. my personal deadline for this. i can't stand on the sidelines anymore. but, yes, i do remember that being patient and diligent for this long has paid off. but it's time to really get going. i am going to play ultimate again. and that day is going to come sooner than i know it. and i am excited. : )

i guess i should get back to work. wrapping up things here at the museum. and packing up stuff at the apartment. lots of new beginnings to come in september. and i couldn't be more grateful for all the wonderful things to come my way, and for the fantastic friends who have been supportive through every endeavor. thank you. i couldn't have done it without you.

new beginnings are exciting.

-me : )

brute squad v.6.0....and other random thoughts

another july, another season of brute squad. this is the sixth year of brute, year five of my existence as a brute. it's exciting, yes, but i will spend another season on the sidelines calling subs, cheering, and doing whatever i can to support the team.

knee rehab is going well; i'm making progress with physical therapy, massage therapy, and psychological therapy....just kidding, i am not seeing a shrink. i've started seeing a chiropractic phsyician to do active release therapy to my formerly-idle left quad and hamstring. it's basically 15 minutes of massage designed to release scar tissue from these muscles, and begin to stretch them out so i can function normally. it hurts sometimes, but it's worth it for the increased range of motion. hooray! : )

i can't believe it's july already. it doesn't seem like half the year is over, not to mention that another season of ultimate is around the corner. brute tryouts went well this year; we had to make many tough decisions along the way, but i do see great things happening with this team this season. brute is traveling to seattle and santa cruz this season to see top competition in preparation for nationals, and i'm looking forward to it....only wish i were playing, though.

right....in other ultimate news (as i doze off at my desk): i am coaching buda's girls ycc team this summer. basically, i'm responsible for coaching and preparing a group of high school girls for national-level youth ultimate competition. the team is traveling to blaine, mn, for the 2007 ycc, and i'm really excited for them. we've had two practices so far, and they've learned a lot about positioning on defense. hopefully, we'll have more than seven this weekend, so we can scrimmage and put these skills to actual use. most of the team (all but two) hail from amherst, and they're a great bunch. i'm really excited for them, and i know we're going to have a great time representing buda and new england at ycc.

outside of ultimate, i've been working at the red sox team store. it's been great to be around fenway and all of its craziness, and i've also been able to hang out with the red sox store gang more outside of work. more work has added more craziness to my life, but i wouldn't have it any other way.

more random thoughts....x and i are moving in with spoony and simon this fall. we found a really sweet place in jamaica plain, and are moving in at the end of august. yes, this takes me further away from work and (most of my) friends, but it should prove to be a good change of pace. we're really excited, and i'll be sure to post pictures once we move in. we will have a stoop, a small backyard, a huge eat-in kitchen, a huge living room, four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a small basement area that we will turn into a dart room. hooray!

i think that's all i have to write about for now. sorry that it's random and unorganized, but my life feels that way right now, and i don't think i could explain it any better.

"the good life, as i conceive it, is a happy life. i do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - i mean that if you are happy you will be good." - bertrand russell

-me : )

so i should have posted this weeks ago....

i'm lazy and i totally forgot to write about my surgery and the two weeks following it (while i was in my apartment, and commuting to physical therapy every day). so, i'm cutting and pasting the e-mail: knee update #9, here.

Happy March (and the Year of the Pig)!!!!

I will be punctual with this e-mail since I spent four long days in the hospital after surgery. Nothing was wrong with me, the doctors from Anesthesia wanted to keep me in to monitor my pain once I was off the epidural....pain schmain. Anywho, four days in a hospital is no fun, so I'm going to recap the week's events and share my hospital fun times with all of you. (Bear with me, I think this is going to be a VERY long e-mail)

Wednesday, February 21: pre-surgery doctor's appointment
Visited the doctor one last time before surgery, went through the basic checkups on the knee....I'm healthy, knee is ready to go, and we're all set, right? Not exactly. Doctor tells me that there is a shortage of allografts, and we may have to postpone my surgery. (I called it being on the donor tissue transplant list....I'm on "hold" until Monday morning, and the doctor will call to tell me if there are tendons for the operation....or not).

Monday, February 26: day of surgery?....YES!!!!
6:30 a.m.: I wake up to my alarm, hit snooze, and fall back asleep
7:15 a.m.: I wake up in a small panic, realizing that I need to be at the hospital at 9, but haven't heard from the doctor....So, I jump out of bed and work on the last cleaning tasks in my room while I wait for the doctor to call....and it's snowing. I guessed I missed the weather forecast.
7:40 a.m.: Doctor's office calls....and there are tendon grafts for my surgery! Hooray!
I pack a bag of books, magazines, and music, continue with the trash collection/cleaning
8:30 a.m.: Hooray for friends with cars! I get a ride to the hospital from Danny, since I didn't want to trudge it through the snow.
8:57 or so: I arrive at Boston Medical Center....let the day begin!

First, I report to the doctor's office for pre-surgery x-rays (in case the doctor has to move my patella to align with the right knee). I take the x-rays to surgery registration, register for surgery, and wait for the nurse to come and get me. The nurse arrives, and I am swept into the pre-op room....again. There are three nurses who have seen me at least once before, so I say, "Hi!" and we proceed with the pre-op rituals....When all is said and done and signed, I am rolled into the operating room at 11 a.m. In the operating room, the anesthesiologist places the epidural in my back, and gives me sleepy-time gas to breathe....and I am out for the count.

4:00 p.m. (or at least this is the first time I can remember): I wake up in the recovery room, have really groggy conversations with the two doctors who operated on me, and then am wheeled up to my room (for the week): 8 west, bed 22a (near the door). I quickly text a bunch of people with my whereabouts and then fall asleep.
4:45 p.m. (maybe?): The nurse arrives and introduces herself....and then asks me, "Weren't you here before?"....yes, more people who recognize me! Well, it's not that exciting....until she asks me, "Where's your catheter? You do have an epidural, right? And your CPM machine?" I tell her that I was barely awake in the recovery room when I was then rolled up to the room.

Basically, the doctors forgot to place a catheter in me prior to the end of the operation, and they forgot to get me a CPM machine for my in-house post-op recovery process. Good times. She gets to do both. And I'm awake. I'll just leave it at that. : )

Thank you to the friends who stopped by on Monday evening. It was good to see you, and I'm sorry I didn't have more energy for conversation. It was a long, but successful day.

Tuesday, February 27: day 1 on the road to recovery
I woke up feeling a little better than I did the night before, but was still very tired from Monday's events. I spent the day eating, napping, getting my vitals taken every four hours (because I was on the epidural), bending my knee in the CPM machine, and sleeping. The rest really helped as I was able to eat my first full meal on Tuesday night (stuffed chicken with mashed potatoes and butternut squash)! : )

I don't remember much from that day except that my roommate/neighbor was discharged and went home. She was a nice old woman named Rita, who had brain tumor surgery sometime the week (or two....I didn't ask) before. She was up and about in her own pajamas at night, and definitely made herself at home during her stay at the hospital. Her departure created a vacancy in my room....which made it VERY easy for friends to stop by after visiting hours and not get into too much trouble. : )

Wednesday, February 28: day 2!
Felt much better when I woke up on Wednesday morning. I ate a day's worth of meals (yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner!), slept, stared at the walls in my hospital room, and almost fainted while standing before I took another short nap into the early evening when friends stopped by to hang out and watch the Maryland/Duke basketball game. It was very important that I did not have a roommate because the game was on late (9 p.m., ESPN), and I wasn't sure that they would be able to stay for the entire game....but they did! The nurses didn't say a word when they checked on me, and after the game ended (Maryland beat Duke) at 11:15, they left without a word. It was REALLY awesome.

I received not-so-awesome news on Wednesday: I wasn't going home until Thursday/Friday. My doctor wanted to keep me in the hospital for one more day, and the anesthesia doctors wanted to keep me in for TWO more days. Ridiculous. Pain tolerance ridiculousness. Obviously, I don't know anything about my pain tolerance after having an epidural in me. Grr. I was really sad/upset because I was tired of being in the hospital, and just wanted to be home. I guess that in exchange for my extra nights, I was given two nights with a hospital room to myself. Not too shabby. : )

Thursday, March 1: day 3! (and the first day of the best month of the entire year!!!!)
I felt spectacular when I woke up on Thursday morning. So much so that I read, Book the Tenth from Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" called, The Slippery Slope. If you ever want to read a clever and funny children's series, you should read this one. I have books 7-12 here in Boston, and am trying to figure out how to get books 1-6 from home-home. Fun times. : )

More friends stopped by during the afternoon and evening, and it was nice to pass the time talking, playing Uno (thanks Erin!), or reading through celebrity gossip magazines. I also had a neighbor join me in the room for the night, which quieted things down a bit (not that we were being rowdy, but just aware that there was another patient in the room). But it was okay....just a few more hours until I was home!!!!

Friday, March 2: day 4 and freedom day!
I didn't sleep well on Thursday in anticipation of going home. Oh well. And when I did finally wake up, it was raining. Yuck. At least I was going home!

Chrissy came by at 10:30 a.m. to get me and my stuff, and I got into a wheelchair and left 8 west, room 22 for the last time....hooray! The wheelchair attendant wheeled me downstairs, and Chrissy and I drove off into the....rain. The prescriptions were dropped off at the pharmacy, and Chrissy and Jasper helped me settle in at the apartment.

SUCCESS! I was finally home.

The stuff you really want to know (surgery):
The doctors performed a patellar tendon graft repair and removed scar tissue that had grown around my knee since September/November. When the scar tissue was removed, my joint and the surrounding cartilage remained intact and healthy. The doctors say that I will have scar tissue in my knee, but if I get on it early enough, I'll be able to "mold" the scar tissue into a position that will stabilize my knee.

Physical therapy starts on Monday. I will go to physical therapy everyday and do very simple range-of-motion exercises and isometric quad exercises (simple quad-strengthening exercises). I have enough pain meds to last me a VERY long time, but so far, there hasn't been much pain as I increase the degrees of flexion on the CPM machine.

However, when I'm not at PT or not commuting to and from PT, I will be at my lovely apartment reading, sleeping, eating, or relaxing. If you want to stop by at any point during the day, give me a call!

Thank you to all the friends who visited me during the week: Erin, Chrissy, Shmi, Jac, Karen, Roy, Keely, Danny, Kathy, Allison, Mackenzie, Nancy, Blake, Erika, Emily Walton, Greg (Scoops), and Steve. And thanks to all of you who called, sent e-mails and text messages.

It's a new beginning and I'm really excited for it. Thank you for all the support; you have been such wonderful friends. I'll continue to keep you posted on my progress. And please do keep in touch.

.....and that's the e-mail. yes, i had lots of time to write, so it was only fair that i wrote a novel. : )

i'll post more on my current status very soon. if i don't resort to laziness. : )

a new beginning is very exciting.

-me : )

10 days

i'm tired, a little tipsy, and hanging out alone in my apartment, so i thought i'd write (since it's been almost a month now).

it's been a crazy month (to say the least), but right now, i'm looking forward to surgery. i hope it's the last, but there are no promises. this surgery (officially #3, unofficially #4) will repair the patellar tendon that was eaten up by the scar tissue around my knee. based on my condition, my doctor hopes that this surgery will stabilize my knee and allow me to return to sport (ultimate, of course). this surgery is simultaneously exciting and sad, as i will lose my mobility (again), but actually have something to stabilize my left leg.

surgery is on february 26 at 11 a.m. over at boston medical center. i will spend a couple days in the hospital, and once i'm up and moving around and my pain is under control, i'll return to allston to hang out for two weeks. march will be a good month, since i will be able to watch the college basketball conference tournaments, and the first two rounds of march madness. : )

since the official announcement of my surgery, i've been spending the weekends partying it up with friends. the last four weekends have been amazing: ucpc, metal semiformal, surprise dinner and partying, extreme beerfest, and hanging out with friends. and now, i've only got 10 days until surgery, and am trying to catch up with other friends while trying to get my life in order. fun times all around.

in other, more random news: traci played varsity soccer this year (as a sophomore). her team won the state tournament two weekends ago. and it is now official: all five of us have at least one state championship. lori and i have three, brad has two, and miki and traci each have one. it's pretty crazy and amazing. i'm excited that traci has one because i think she felt the pressure of making a varsity team AND winning the state championship. let me tell you, it's not an easy feat. but it is very rewarding. and i feel very fortunate for the opportunity to play on the teams that won these championships.

i think that's it for now. i'm tired and am either going to a) fall asleep watching sportscenter; or b) read myself to sleep.

going to bed before midnight is nice.

-me : )

2007....time for the real healing to begin

we're 17 days into 2007. i can't believe that 2006 flew by as quickly as it did.

i updated my blog since blogger is out of "beta", so for those of your who frequent this infrequently written space, i do hope you like the changes. i may even add a profile picture. just maybe. : )

anywho, the real reason i'm writing today is because i finally have the urge to write. it's been almost three months since my last post, and that was about nationals. and now that another ultimate season is upon us, and i have thoughts going through my head that are somewhat coherent, it's time to get them out.

in the last month, i've been feeling distant. i call it "emotional detachment." i feel empty inside, and all the thoughts that go through my head are rational. the emotion is gone from me, and i feel very different. for those of you who know me, i am a very emotional person. i've lived by my emotions for that last 23 5/6 years, so where did it go? part of me suspects that it's due to all the craziness i've been through in the last year. so, one side of me says it's okay to feel this way because i'm protecting myself from being depressed again. the other side of me feels crappy because i don't feel alive. and that because i'm not feeling alive, i'm not being a good friend to my friends. and then i dump this problem on my friends in hopes that they understand where i am at this moment in time. and that when i seem distant, i really am distant, and am working through this phase one day at a time. i'm working on being honest with friends because i think that's the only way they will truly be able to understand me.

my knee is at a stable point right now. the doctor wants to draw fluid out of my knee and culture it before he clears me for surgery. then i'll have surgery to repair my patellar tendon. then months of rehab to get me walking normally (for the first time in almost two years), functioning normally, and possibly returning to sport. but what happens after that? the road forks and there are three options:

option a - knee is stable, strong, and the doctor gives me the okay to play ultimate again. awesome. i will finally move on with my life.

option b - knee is not stable, and the doctor, athletic trainer, and i decide on the acl reconstruction surgery. then i'm back for six more months of rehab. and then it's done. i think.

option c - knee is not stable, and the doctor, athletic trainer, and i consider the acl reconstruction surgery. we decide it's not worth the risks involved, and i'm on my way with the rest of my life without an acl. are sports possible? technically, yes. could i compete at the level i competed at prior to the injury? maybe. it all depends.

....okay, i'm back after a 18-hour hiatus. i told the team about my knee situation, and my mental and lack-of-emotional state. it went over well for me because, well, i'm emotionally detached. it's going to be interesting to see how this emotional detachment progresses over the next few months, but i think i'll get out of it soon, and things will be back to normal. for now, though, i'm just waiting.

i think that's it for this post. more to come soon.

i think writing revives the soul.

-me : )

another quote for nationals

"the only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that i have always cultivated." --oscar wilde

i found this quote on my google homepage just a few minutes ago. i think it's an appropriate comment for this week, as i add another entry before nationals 2006.

my thoughts on this quote: it's an appropriate way to think about oneself and one's team leading into an intense competition. however, i also think that one should remember that other people and other teams are thinking the exact same way, so, the team that will come out on top is the team that a) effectively stays with and executes its strategy; b) handles the pressures of an intense game with poise and patience; and c) plays as if there is nothing to lose.

the teams that think this way are the ones that give themselves a shot at winning it all. and it’s easy to pick out which teams have that attitude as they go through warm-ups on thursday morning. i love it.

yups, that's all i wanted to say about this quote. one more day until sarasota.

bring it.

-me : )

the way i see it #168

yes, i know, it's been a while since i last wrote, but that's what happens when surgery, rehab, ultimate, and work get in the way. anywho, i got a venti nonfat-no-whip mocha this morning, which meant that i got a longer quote (hooray quotes!):

"the human brain is the only object in the known universe that can predict its own future and tell its own fortune. the fact that we can make disastrous decisions even as we foresee their consequences is the great, unsolved mystery of human behavior. when you hold your fate in your hands, who would you ever make a fist?" --daniel gilbert, psychology professor and author

i think it's the right thing to think as nationals looms in the near future. in six days, brute, metal, slow white, dog, and godiva will trek from lovely new england to sarasota, florida, to the 2006 club nationals. it's going to be AWESOME. i'm excited.

everyone's fate is in their own hands: this is the culminating event of another hard season. the ups and downs are magnified with every throw, catch, d, drop, interception, pull, goal, team huddle....and for three of these teams, this year could be "the year." every game is one closer to the last for this season: the emotions are high, the pressure is on, and everyone watching or participating in this event wonders: who is going to bring it? who is going to take THIS opportunity and come out on top?

everytime i think about it, adrenaline rushes through me, even though i'm not playing. driving into the parking area of the polo fields on thursday morning is such a surreal experience. and it NEVER gets old. those who qualified for nationals got their stuff together to make it this far, but each team comes in with a clean slate when they arrive at the sarasota polo fields on thursday. yes, history and head-to-head matchups during the season matter, but you can never be absolutely sure about the team that lines up on the other goal line. so they have player "x" who's supposed to be amazing, or player "y" is hurt, but the bottom line is:

you can only control you, and your team can only control itself.

this is NOT the time to be selfish and want to make the big plays. this is not the time to care if you're playing all the points or just one or two. this is not the time to stray from the team strategy because you think your way is better. it is not the time to ditch all the hard work that you and your teammates put into this season: track workouts, weightlifting, agilities, practices, tournaments, and the long bike rides, runs or swims. EVERYONE has worked hard, and if, for one moment you find yourself being selfish or sorry for yourself, think again about how this team wouldn't exist without your teammates. this is THE ULTIMATE team sport. don't ever forget that.

this is the time to look around the huddle, take a deep breath, relax, and smile, and know that everyone has made it to this point in the season TOGETHER. and no one can take that away from you. to know that every point you play at nationals is the biggest contribution you can give your teammates. that they are relying on you to execute and get the job done. that they wait on the sidelines with hi-fives and hugs because you did your job. that no matter what happens, this is a unique experience, and you should make the most of it. that the best feeling after this is all over is to leave the field knowing that you left all of yourself out there. for your team. because it means that much to you.

i left my all on the field last year and i don't regret one second of it. yes, brute played 90+ points on thursday in pool play, and yes, we went 3-0; and yes, we went into friday pumped to line 'em up and take 'em down, and we did. i played as hard as i've ever played, and i left everything i had on the field during that day-and-a-half. when i went down, i was frustrated and sad, but i was not angry. i was not angry that i didn't play hard enough, that i was saving myself for the rest of the weekend, that i should've layed out for that d or ran harder to make that catch. i knew i had given my all to the team up to that point of the season, and that was all i could do. and i'm very glad i can look back to last season and smile. : )

tearing my acl and dealing with the complications of this injury has, over the last year, brought inner peace. there were very bad times and there were relatively good times, but i gained a lot of perspective, and most important of them all, i learned how to be patient again. i lost the patience during those crazy summers of orientation, and it was a tough transition to make, but the last 350+ days have recharged the patience battery, and has allowed me to better understand myself and others around me. now and then i wonder, "have i really changed?" and then find myself finally realizing things that i had ignored in the last couple of years.

....rambling, yes. do i care? no. am i being vague? most likely. does it matter? no, because i know what i'm writing about and that's all that really matters. : )

it's been a long year, and i'll celebrate the perspective-changing event next saturday, during day 3 of club nationals 2006. i envision my teammates doing amazingly great things, individually, and as a unit. the team will come together for one last tournament to make the most out of this season. and at the end of it all, we will come together for one last team hug, one last round of hi-fives, and smile.

i'm pumped. six days.

-me : )

i'll never do anything right

quick recap: surgery #2 happened on friday, i spent the entire weekend in the hospital, discharged from the hospital on monday, and returned to work today. more about the surgery later; i promise.

i just got off the phone with my father. he's a pediatrician-samurai combination who's raised five children and currently resides at home in hawaii. hooray. i haven't spoken with my father about the surgery or anything related to it since it happened AND since today is his birthday, i thought it'd be a nice gesture to call, wish him a happy birthday and let him know that i'm doing okay. i thought i had the conversation mapped out in my mind, but i was wrong. obviously. i'm always wrong. no matter what i do, i'm always "selfish and thinking only of myself."

the specific situation he mentioned is that my brother came up to boston this weekend, took off time from work, to take care of me. unfortunately, and unexpectedly on my part, i ended up in the hospital all weekend (my doctor didn't tell me beforehand, and i didn't ask him). so, brad ended up hanging out with my roommate (christina) and friend (jac), and cooked a couple of meals so that i'd have food when i came home.

my dad went on a two-minute rant as soon as he got on the phone: he yelled at me about not thinking about anyone else, about being selfish, about brad taking time off from work and about having him cook dinner for my roommates.

all i could think of was: 1) seriously? you're going to yell at me about this? i had no idea that i would be in the hospital overnight, not to mention all weekend, and my doctor didn't tell me prior to my arrival at the hospital on friday morning; 2) it's YOUR FREAKIN' birthday and you're yelling at me; i thought you'd be happy to hear your daughter call you with an update on surgery and her knee AND to wish you a happy birthday; and 3) i will never do anything right in my dad's eyes. i always find a way to screw things up because i don't ask all the questions i'm SUPPOSED to ask, and i'm SUPPOSED to know all the questions to ask. at the time, i had no idea that an open surgery would require an overnight stay, and even though it was a possibility, he hadn't said anything definite when i saw him three weeks ago.

and i was furious. i was ready to hang up the phone, but i knew better. i knew that if i hung up the phone, that was it, and i'd probably never speak with him again. so, i didn't. i took like i always have, continued the conversation with an explanation of what exactly happened, and ended with a "happy birthday, dad."

grr. a venting post. oh well. at least you'll get a look into my family and how they've molded me into who i've become, right? i'm done.

are we supposed to know everything to do in life in every situation by the time we're 23?

-me : )

three days until surgery #2

back from northern california and back at work. lucky, me, though, no boss until thursday. hooray! : )

the weekend was good: i hung out with 'umi on friday (see previous blog), and then spent the weekend in santa cruz with brute squad. the team went 3-3 on the weekend (record below); the team learned a lot and has a lot to work on in the next eight weeks.

saturday, september 2:
vs. skyline, 11-7
vs. prime, 12-13
vs. riot, 4-15
vs. homebrood, 15-9

sunday, september 3:
vs. rare air, 11-9
vs. schwa, 7-11

the weather was beautiful, the ultimate was not-as-beautiful (as i said before, lots to learn from and lots to improve on), but it was a "gut check" as paul said, and i know that things can only go up from here.

i flew back to boston on the red-eye flight sunday night and sat in the same row at betsy. we had a blast snacking on all jetblue had to offer us (hooray jetblue!), while channel surfing between a "next" marathon on mtv, and the chappelle show/stand-up marathon on comedy central. i think i slept for about 2-1/2 hours on the flight, which is pretty unusual for me. anywho, a mid-morning nap followed my return to the apartment, so it wasn't a huge deal.

emily came over to watch the vanderbilt/michigan game from saturday afternoon (i dvr'd it for her). we ordered lunch from the thai place, chatted about the weekend, watched football, and fought the urge to sleep. : ) after we watched the game, she drove steve and i to fenway for the white sox/red sox game.

the game was awesome. tavarez pitched a great game for the red sox, and the bullpen came through when the team needed them. we sat in the right field box (straight into right field, but left of the pesky pole), about 15 rows from the field. those were great seats. : ) anywho, the game went to extra innings, and in the bottom of the 10th, carlos pena hit a walk-0ff homerun into....you guessed it, right field. the guy who caught the ball was, literally, four rows in front of us. it was amazing. and a great win for the red sox as the 2006 season wraps up. another reason the game was awesome is that trot nixon, jason varitek, and manny ramirez returned to the lineup. the mood in fenway was great, and sitting with the crazy drunk fans in right field made the experience that much better.

....anywho, that was my weekend, and i think it was a great way to gear up for surgery on friday. speaking of surgery (sort-0f), here's a quote from the starbucks cup i got this morning (yes, i've given in to warm drinks again):

"i was ahead in the slalom. but in the second run, everyone fell on a dangerous spot. i was beatn by a woman who got up faster than i did. i learned that people fall down, winners get up, and gold medal winners just get up faster." --bonnie st. john (first african-american olympic ski medalist, and in 1984, she was the second-fastest amputee skier in the world)

just another quote to keep the whole knee situation in perspective. and i'm glad it came along when it did. three days until the return to more gimpyness, and lots to do before then. as it always, is, though, i must remember to take it one day at a time.

i think that's it for now. pictures to come soon.

and here's a quote from despair.com regarding pretension (september's quote of the month):

"pretension: the downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious."

despair.com is funny.

-me : )

hanging out at stanford

so, i was going to be on the computer long enough to check and write e-mails. but now that 'umi's left me to go with holo to pickup his car from the shop (another longer story later), i decided to drop a line from good ol' stanford. yes, stanford university.

i'm in norcal for the weekend with brute squad; we'll be at uc-santa cruz for the rest of the weekend competing at the labor day tournament. however, i decided that since 1) it's labor day weekend; 2) i haven't seen 'umi in almost two years; 3) i needed to have some fun before summer ended; 4) northern california is absolutely amazing at this time of the year; and 5) well, because i wanted to....that i would come out a day early to hang out with 'umi, get out of boston, and enjoy the long weekend.

so far, the trip's been awesome. i flew out here with betsy, rana, and krishna last night (hooray jetblue), and 'umi picked me up from the airport. we then went to in-and-out burger (exciting) for a late-night dinner, showered, and then met up with a few of her friends in downtown palo alto. we went to this irish club/pub, hung out, danced a little, but most of the time, 'umi and i spent the night catching each other up on our lives.

it's so nice to be able to have a conversation with a best friend i haven't seen in years (literally) like it was yesterday. we've grown and changed, but our friendship remains the same: steady, trusting, and weirdly predictable. it's comforting. we've experienced a lot on our own in the last five years, but the amazing thing is that we've had many similar social and academic experiences along the way.

we realized this in a conversation we had in the car ride from the airport last night. 'umi just got her master's in race and ethnic studies, so she's got one more awesome degree under her belt, and has been studying her butt off for the last 5-1/2 years. awesome, huh? the conversation began with a vague comment about not having or taking an opinion on anything (which is something i often found myself doing) during college....whether it was conversations with friends, peers, or professors. 'umi started to question why we felt this way, and how we came to be such "unopinionated" people. my reason was our education. i honestly think we weren't taught to be critical thinkers, rather, we were encouraged to express ourselves by thinking about our feelings and emotions.

i don't remember when i was asked to critically analyze a book/essay/paper/whatever, create an argument, research both sides, write a paper, and complete a presentation for public debate. we read through novels, plays, essays, and the sort, and were told to interpret what we thought the author was trying to say, and why we thought he/she thought that way. once this paper was turned in, there was no further discussion about the writing, and as such, we weren't subjected to our classmates points of views, opinions, or thoughts about the writing. and without that, we didn't criticize our own thoughts and words and think about it any other way.

another reason for this lack of opinions, at least from my point of view, is that i didn't think i had enough knowledge/understanding about the topic, and thus, didn't think it was fair to share an opinion without truly understanding the topic. this also relates to the fact that when i do share my opinion about anything, the basis for my opinion is truly experiential. the way i work and think and do things in my life are firmly based in the lessons i learned from the experiences i've had in the last 23 years of my life. i haven't found a philosopher who has been able to claerly explain what kind of philosophy on which my life is based, so it's easy for me to say that i'm not a "critical thinker" or that i don't know much about anything else but myself and the little world that i live in. if i found a writer/philosopher/thinker who could explain my life better than i can, then i think i'd be more open to the academic world and actually read and think about those who shared their opinions on the world.

not sure if that made sense, but it's out there. i'll re-read it at some point and write more later. 'umi's back from picking the car up, so i'm going to end it here for now.

hooray for friends!
-me : )