midnight chats

i enjoy midnight chats. especially with friends who accept me as i am and who let me ramble on and on until i figure out what's really going on in my head. i'm slowly understanding that the things i say is what needs to be said in the situations that are discussed in these midnight chats.

i got home about 20 minutes ago from a midnight chat with ko. i had to drop him off at home after the basketball game, and we started talking about kala'e and me and the whole mess that happened at the basketball game tonight. i'll remember for a long time, and i'm sure i'll get crap from ko for it forever, so i don't need to write it here.

anywho, we started talking about kala'e and me, and how we haven't had a serious conversation in the past two years. honestly, i'm ready to talk about it, but i don't think it's my place to initiate the conversation. if kala'e wants to know about my life since our breakup, then all he has to do is ask. if he wants to find out more, then he just has to ask about that, too. it's very simple with me nowadays. two years back, i would have done everything in my power to avoid confrontations about serious issues. but after experiencing relationships with two other people, and realizing that communication only makes things clearer and (sometimes) stronger, i'm ready to talk. ko agrees with me, which is nice, because i have some confidence in the decision i've made about that relationship. as ko and i mentioned tonight with our "sports metaphors," the ball is in his court.

after discussing the kala'e/me issue, we started talking about my life in boston. specifically with steve. and how we're not anything right now. i flat out told him that if anyone at home asked if i have a boyfriend, i would tell them, "no, i don't have a boyfriend. i'm trying to work things out with a friend." and i'm sticking to it. steve and i didn't have a chance to talk before the semester ended, and personally, i didn't want to talk. i didn't want to add an emotional stress to my list of stresses. it would have made the end of the semester much more difficult than it already was. and i told steve that as well. and i'm really glad we didn't talk before we left for break.

i'm at home now, looking at all the things that's happened to me in the past two years. i'm more than halfway through college. i've spent a summer away from home. i'm still in boston going to school, learning about myself, and finding my way. i have two jobs (sometimes three), and i'm meeting new people. i'm changing in a good way because i'm learning about me and who i want to be and what i want to do with my life. i think the "who i want to be" part has been shaped and is just waiting to be put in the kiln for baking and preservation. the "what i want to do" part of me is not definite, but the process of deciding on what i want to do has begun. i took a risk this summer and threw myself into an entirely new group of people and see if i could survive a summer away from home. i met new friends, a few of which have become really good friends, and i've given myself new opportunities to explore and pursue, if i wish. i've begun to look at the future, and what it holds for me, and i'm really excited. i'm not exactly sure what i'll do when i graduate, but i do know that i do have something that will allow me to stay in boston. i want to travel: i want to see europe, japan, and australia; but most of all, i want to have fun.

being home allowed me to see that i'm doing okay in boston; i may not be on the right track in someone's eyes, but i know that i'm doing just fine. it also has made me see that the change i'm going through has created conflicts in my life that has become somewhat routine. disputes with friends happen because my perception of life is changing, and it may not reflect the person i used to be. i don't know everything, and i don't think i'll ever know everything, but what i do know is that i'm happy with who i am, and as long as i keep that in mind, any decision i make for myself should make me happy.

okay, enough rambling on my part. new year's eve is here. time to get the house ready for the party tonight.

new year's eve is here! *skipping around the room*

-me : )