talking

talking is very constructive. it's destructive at times, but it serves its purpose. i talk to communicate my ideas with other people, and they share their ideas with me. that's how it works.

lots of talking happened tonight/this morning. steve and i returned from the fleetcenter around 10:30 to his apartment where we decided just to sit around and do nothing. it was nice. and then i started talking. about all of the things i thought about during the break. just wanted to clear my mind and be up front with him. to let him know that i finally thought things through....well, not everything, but almost. it was a constructive conversation: i told him things i was afraid to tell him before, and i figured out what's been killing our relationship....me. yes, me.

i played mind games with myself over the last two years about my perception about steve. it was really bad. essentially, i convinced myself that he was a similar character to my dad. very very scary, let me tell you. anywho, during the night, he was able to share with me his interpretations of his actions towards me. i seriously screwed up here. i took things he said personally and failed to realize that he wasn't interrogating me; he was trying to learn more about his friend. and he accepted me for who i am. so, i screwed up that. and i took complete blame for that. i was stuck in a rut that i was used to for four years and i didn't change anything about myself; i convinced myself that people around me were out to get me. and that affected my perceptions of people. all i had to do was listen and let him explain himself....we wouldn't be in this situation right now if i just listened. but now i know that i screwed up, and i'm dealing with the consequences.

i also told him what i thought about while i was at home. about my freedom and dreams and (tentative) plans for gallivanting around the country and enjoying myself. and i wanted to start that now. but he's on another wavelength. and right now, we understand what each other wants, but we're (or it's just me) who's not willing to compromise, or take the big risk and step into the water and try a relationship. my spontaneous side (or whatever else it's called) is just beginning to shine, and i want to see where that goes....without hurting him. that's the one thing i don't want to do because i really can't stand to lose him at this point in life. yes, i do have other friends, but no one as close as he is.

i enjoy hanging out with steve and being in his company. we have late-night (and early morning) chats, we watch movies, listen to music, walk around the city, eat burgers at sunset cantina or burritos at anna's taqueria; we talk about anything and everything, and it's been a really great friendship. we've had our ups and downs, and somehow he's still my friend. i don't know how he can put up with me because i drive him nuts with my thought process. but i do care a lot for him. i'm not sure i'm comfortable saying it, but i do my best to show him i care through my actions. so much that i'm willing to compromise and find a way to work things out and find out the good part that is missing from our relationship. to go against what i want to do because i do agree with him and believe that there is good that has yet to come out of this. but i want to do this because there is always the "what if?" and i don't think i could go on with my life if i didn't explore every "what if?" that appeared in my life. however, there are some risks that i'm more willing to take than others. and it's apparent that i'm more willing to take individual risks that a big risk that involves someone else. i'm tired of hurting people, and i just want it to stop. most of the time, the hurting is a result of my indecisiveness. i can think and want certain things, but it's most likely that my actions will not follow my words because i am more confident in others' decisions than in mine. and that's something i need to work on.

then again, i trust in others' decisions because they've had more experiences than i have. at least that's what i'm thinking when i decide to believe in them and go with it. there's nothing i can say against it because....i really don't know. i didn't randomly hook-up with guys in high school, i didn't drink or smoke (not that i'm planning to smoke anytime soon)....i kept a clean image that everyone wanted to see because that was the right thing to do at the time. when i came to boston, i told myself that i was starting all over....but two and a half years later, i discover that i've been living nearly the same life i had at home (with a few minor adjustments) and i want to die. i couldn't understand why i didn't recognize it earlier, and i think it was this trip home that made me realize that i wasn't being true to myself. i didn't do the things i wanted to do, and now would have been the time to do it. but there's some unfinished business that i'm just not willing to throw away.

it's really that simple: i can end it now and let our relationship blow up into a thousand pieces and lose more than i'm willing to lose, or i can work towards the good end and find out what's really brewing between steve and me. i can be selfish or i can compromise. but it's up to me. and i'm deciding to take baby steps and (hopefully) work together with steve to figure this out. it takes a crazy commitment from me, but if i don't do it, i know that i'll ask myself "what if?" i'm not doing this grudgingly; i'm doing this because i think it's what's right for the two of us right now and i want to see this through. i know i've said this a thousand times already, but it's a new year, and my resolution is to take bigger risks and see how they play out without worrying about the consequences (although i do keep them in mind). i'll find time for me at some point in my life; now just doesn't work.

i think that's all i have to say about tonight. i don't know how i managed to type this all without misplacing verbs and nouns. but it was good. lots of interesting thoughts and feelings were shared, and i'm going think about our conversation as i shower and take a short nap before i'm off to oocs in the morning.

jack johnson's music soothes my soul.

-me : )